Whips and Chains and Family Pictures!
Family Pictures
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I’ve been home a few days, clearing my head. I ended up spending last night looking through a c.d of photos of my family that my mom acquired when she went home for my Grandmothers funeral last year.
Granted I didnt go to the funeral because I wanted to remember her the way she was 15 years ago when I last saw her. I dont deal so well with death. Esp when it comes to family, and family I love and should know, but havent been close to or seen in 17 years or so. Completely a situation out of my control.
These pictures make me sad because they remind me of who I am not.
And how unlike my family I am.
There was one picture of me in all of this mess, and it happens to be ONE picture that I mailed to my grandmother about 5 years before she died… of me and my long ago ex Jeremy. So I’m young and with long blonde hair, innocent and with a person who is still a HUGE influence in my life - but not really much of a part of it.
I think last night was the first time in maybe my entire life that I sat with my mother and father and talked about where I come from and why we left our home state and basically became a total sep entity from my entire biological family.
Sometimes it makes me sad because I hold my close friends dear as my “family” and basically aside from my mother, everyone else- including my immediate family are pretty much strangers.
I wonder at times how this has affected me as a person. Has it made me stronger or deranged? Has it made me the strong and independant person I am or has it made me weak? Who knows.
All I know is I have me and the facts around me to continue basing my future decisions on.
Noone knows all the facts nor would anyone care. But me. And a few people who *know* me.
If they’ll be there forever as my “family” I can only hope. But I’m beginning to see that the things that I might do… where someone else would have family there for to witness and forgive and help guide…. , friends & sexual partners arent always so willing to forgive you for the same moments of complete insanity.
And the point of this blog is??? I have yet to decide.
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scared
busy